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My Ass

January 7, 2018

My ass is broken.

Long, long ago, at the very end of last year, I took a fall. I was under the influence of what you might describe as substances, and upon attempting to stand up at some point before midnight once we were home, I found that my body was not responding in the usual fashion. You know, you try to walk and your legs start moving, that kind of thing. So I stood up, and then immediately teetered backwards.

Normally, being a clumsy foulup and generally uncoordinated boor, I am well-versed in the fine art of falling. I have a tendency to go limp, aside from a sort of tuck and roll maneuver, which lets most of my excess absorb the energy inherent to someone of my mass making an unplanned transition from the vertical to the horizontal. But on New Year's Eve, well, I tried to right the ship, instead.

This caused me to stumble backwards about ten feet before finally tipping over, and I landed on my ass. Not just my ass, mind you, but my tail bone. And the floor wasn't carpeted there. No, it was tile over concrete or something in that portion of the house, so I hit hard. I didn't really feel it properly that night, because as I said, substances. But that next morning? Oh my Marduk.

A week later, it's still going strong, my ass. It hurts when I stand up. It hurts when I walk. It hurts when I sit down. It hurts when I lie down. It hurts when I stand in place. It hurts just about all the time. And it has hurt, now, for the last seven days. It seems to be on a slow, slow creep towards sorting itself out, but my mobility is limited. Attempting to run caused me to see stars.

As is always the case, I was interrogated about this by just about everyone at work. Sure, they've grown vaguely accustomed to my tendency to injure myself frequently, but I've been hobbling around the joint looking like an eighty year old man with a corn cob shoved up his exhaust pipe. And you can't just say 'I fell after I punched my brain with substances and landed on my butt bone.' Well, I'd rather not, anyway.

"Yes. Yes, I fell on some ice."

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