The Lowest Common Denominator

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August 20th 2010

There are many burdens I bear. Perhaps the hardest burden of all that I carry deep within my blackened, cynical heart is the fact that I'm usually right about certain things. I have a gift, a gift for seeing how the future will play out in certain matters. For example, it seems just nine days ago I was going on about companies foolishly pushing their politics on their customers, and the hijinks that invariable ensue.

Well, it looks like another prediction of mine came true. You see, some time last week the Tea Party Exchange announced its grand opening here in Dayton, Ohio - a sort of test bed for a deal where, by paying the guy running it a lot of money, you get the privilege of donating five percent of a sale that someone uses their 'Tea Party Exchange' card on to the local Tea Party. And maybe a nice wall plaque or something?

This link to their site should tell you how it worked out for them.

But wait, I have another link for you. You really need to read this before proceeding.

Douche Baggery.

See, this is what happens when you trust anyone who works in 'human resources'. Not only did he take a $150 dollar fee to enroll each business in his right-winger scheme, but Donald Hutchinson outsourced the creation of his Tea Party web site to India. This cock hole hates America so much that he couldn't even be bothered to spend donations to his 'movement' right here in Fucking America.

But wait, it gets better. It seems that some of the businesses he roped into his bullshit scheme don't even know what the Tea Party is. I refer, of course, to Patti Ballachino's comments in the link at TPM, where she says she signed up with the plan because even though she didn't know what the Tea Party was, she thought it would make her money. So really, you can't blame this Hutchinson clown - he's just taking a page from P.T. Barnum.

After all, if you're so fucking stupid that you're willing to put your business on the line for a political party that you don't even know about, Patti Ballachino, maybe you don't deserve to stay in business. I know I won't be sending any business Patti's way, because I'm afraid that if I take any of my fine clothing to Reiber Cleaners, which she owns, her fucking stupid might rub off on it.

I laugh and I laugh, because I totally saw this coming. I am a prognosticator, I tell you. There's a reason that people like Stop Beck do the things they do - they're tired of all this extremism nonsense. I've said it time and time again, this country likes to sit in the middle ground. When you push hard one direction, the American people will push back - it's the nature of our freedom-loving mob.

So when a bunch of idiotic Dayton businesses decide to push their extremist Tea Party bullshit on their customers, I (successfully) predicted what was going to happen to them (you can see the responses people had to some of these businesses in that article, there). But in case you're not done torturing these assholes for trying to push their politics on you, here's the list of businesses who decided to participate in this mess.

For all the fucking good it did them.

We know at the very least we'll never do business with McAfee Heating and Air Conditioning, at the very least. He seems happy to publicly speak at rallies for a party that claims to merely advocate financial conservatism, but has instead shown time and time again just how backwards and bigoted they really are. You may call it 'trampling on your freedoms', but we call it 'voting with our dollar', douche bags.

No matter what you claim, that's what America is all about.

August 11th 2010

Gallery: Death of the Anti-Terror Gas Station

Remember this?

Way back in 2008, you may recall (well, probably not, but still) I had featured this photo (on the right) of the Anti-Terror Gas Station. I took this picture at random while I was getting a drink, because it amused me. This place featured all over the Internets a while back, being yet another silly thing Omaha had to offer the world, and I snapped up a picture for my own use and promptly forgot about the place.

I nonetheless respected them at the time for putting their money where their mouth was, and taking a stand with their livelihood. I respected them a bit less (well, a whole lot less) when they started blatantly shilling for McCain and Palin on their Osama truck. They put a huge VOTE FOR THESE INCOMPETENT CLOWNS banner over it, which a) watered down their message, and b) pissed me off, so I stopped buying from them altogether.

Well, on my most recent trip back to Omaha, I noticed the place had fallen upon hard times. It'd closed down, in fact. Gone was the truck with the Osama bin Ladin thingie on it, as well as the web site it indicated we should visit. I guess there's a moral to the story there. It's one thing to say Osama bin Ladin is an asshole (which I agree with wholeheartedly), but another to shove your politics down your customers' throats.

Let that be a lesson to you, Target and Best Buy.

It's hard to say for certain that the place went under solely because of their pro-Republican stance. But then, Omaha gave its electoral vote to a Democratic candidate for President this time 'round, for the first time ever. EVER. So mebbe there's something to that. But I digress. While I was in Omaha, I decided to take some time out and snap up a bunch of photograps detailing the ignoble end to this place. So here they are!

 

 

 

 

We hope you have enjoyed this strange view of an even stranger business - even if one or two of the interior shots came out blurry!

Previous gallery segments:

Gallery: Fail Mobiles! - August 06, 2010.

August 6th 2010

Gallery: Fail Mobiles!

Fail Grafiti!

For those of you wondering just what that fail photo is all about, it was a bit of grafitti that me and the Sexy Other tripped over while we were in downtown Dayton, Ohio a bit back. We'd gone to the farmer's market to pick up a lot of fresh grown foods, and other assorted awesome local products - since we refuse to buy anything from the big box stores if we can help it. But it's appropriate to today's subject.

For a while now, I've been collecting a huge arsenal of photos related to vehicles that amuse me. Or irritate me. Or are just plain weird. And the Sexy Other has wanted me to share some of these with all y'all - and thanks to the last month, I know I have a dedicated following, so I figured why not? The first subject of the Failmobile gallery is a truck with a bad case of truck balls. Or it was.

This is a strange case of me actually seeing the same vehicle twice over time. The first time I took its picture, I saw the balls and simply had to record it. I mean, they hang about like mine do, so the amusement, it had me. What was weird was that we saw the same truck several months later (note the plates) and someone had neutered the poor thing! Check it out - either the driver or someone else took its balls. Nooo!

That poor truck. We spotted another truck a bit back that wasn't quite so netuered, though his ball sack was a bit different. It looked kinda like a boxing glove more than a bag of nuts, and hadn't been snipped yet. I think the best part though was the sign hanging up in the air in the distance, for TOOL RENTAL. It just seemed fitting, considering what we were looking at here.

Fuckin' truck balls.

Moving on, I've got another one I had to share with you. Me'n the S.O. had gone to the movie theater to see... well, I forget at this point, but that's not what's important. On our way into the place (or out, it was a while ago) we saw this beast of modern mobility. The owner of this truck had so much fail plastered onto the thing that we just had to snap a few pictures of it up.

Obviously there's the massive FORGIVEN by the blahblahblah sticker taking up his entire rear window, which you can't help but see from 300 yards (we know - we saw him in traffic later), and the MVNU sticker - some sort of Christian Liberal Arts school (oxymoron?). But then there's the fail number on the side (he apparently still misses EARNHARDT) and on the front - the demonic skull. Handi-failable!

Another fun truck we saw a bit back was encountered on the way to Ikea, in the midst of Cincinnati suburb traffic. We were waiting to turn towards the Ikea and we saw this thingerbob sitting on the bumper of a Dodge. I had the camera handy so I snapped it up, only now noticing the little bullseye on the stomach of the deer there. The best part was its legs twitched at random. That was fun to watch.

Once we'd arrived at the Ikea proper, however, I saw this bumper sticker, and had to leap into action with that there camera. I had it to take a picture of the Buttery Jesus (which has since burned to the ground) and thought this was a necessary thing to document, despite the battery being almost dead. I mean, just look at this. I can only hope that vapid cunt runs for President. Oh, the hilarity that will ensue.

Yes, I called her a cunt. Deal with it.

Speaking of obnoxious bumper stickers, here's one the two of us spotted on our way back from Ikea a different time. I think it was Ikea, at least. Anyways, we were driving home and saw this on the highway towards Miamisburg, and the rage had us both. It's not just that we had to see the obnoxious jesus toastie sticker, it was that we had to see the sticker in the wrong fucking place. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

And so is the guy in the van in Columbus, there. Not only did he do the same thing, but he did it about three hundred times. I mean, look at all that shit! A lot of it is similar jesus toastery, but some of it is other hippie stuff. The best part was that when I went to take a picture of the van, the douche bag driving it gave me a crusty ass look. News flash: if you sticker up your car, don't be surprised when it gets attention.

Schmuck. He also took five fucking minutes to get out of the can at the gas station there. Bleah.

Similarly, how the fuck does someone even see out their rear view window with this much cockmongery plastered on it? I assume the guy with the FORGIVEN sticker has one that's sort of see-through, but these are clearly not, here. All this anti-abortion and all this jingoistic crap has to be hard to see through. But then, when you are on the phone and texting the whole time you're in your SUV, I guess it don't matter.

I'll stop with the bumper stickers now though, 'cause instead I'd like to share some fucking horrible 'car art' with you. The first here is of course a falsehood. You see, despite the driver's assertion to the contrary, 'real' vampires do not sparkle. If you put a real vampire in the sun, it will combust and die horribly. If you are exposed to sunlight and sparkle, you are a fucking fairy, whether or not you drink blood.

Goddamn cockholes. FAIRY not VAMPIRE, get it straight. And for the stupid shitbags driving around with their 'Team Edward' stickers on their fucking cars, I salute you. At least we know who shouldn't be allowed to breed, since you're broadcasting the fact that you're a (barely) functional moron for the world to see. I appreciate you clearing that up for the rest of us - stickers like these and the Palin ones totally help out there.

Did you know? A lot of people have been snookered into this whole 'Twilight' thing. Blood-drinking fairies seems to be the thing these days. I'm all about the zombie pirates and robot ninjas myself, but I guess some people prefer the man-eating fairies instead. This one person here seems to get it, I mean they've got a Twilight sticker and a Tinker Bell sticker, so it's not just me. Mumble grumble.

To end this massive gallery of automotive fail (and it is pretty big, compared to my usual visual offerings), I've got a couple pictures of fucking idiots who just don't know how to fucking park. The first is a granny who had to take up four (count 'em) parking spaces at the Cub Oods (the 'F' never works on their sign), and even forgot to turn off her lights. I wonder how some people function these days.

Like this soccer mom at the Chick-Fil-A. We exposed my parents to the Chick-Fil-A when they visited here just yesterday, and they seemed to like it. But earlier in the year, I took a picture of this fail mom who can't park to save her life. I have a hint for you, people: if an SUV is too much for you to handle, maybe you should settle for a Yugo instead. You'll save yourself - and everyone else - a goddamn headache.

We hope you have enjoyed this journey through space, time, two cameras and a lot of really shitty vehicles. Y'all come back now, y'hear?

July 28th 2010

Hate Mail 2!

Apparently, as it turned out, William Stanley took exception to my sharing his missive to me with the lot of you. Why, on the 13th he had to send a retort - I should check my mail more often, huh. And since it bothered him so much that I did so last time, I figured I should definitely go ahead and do it again. After all, he's so annoyed by my web site that he has to keep reading it. Anyway, here's some more unedited fun:

You pride yourself in your self proclaimed "arrogance" when most people think you are an idiot. Your over zealousness caused you to waste 30minutes of your life on assumptions about me. Your predictability is laughable. While you should be online looking for jobs. You are ranting about me. You are such a genius you let me rent space in your head and life for free! Is that coherent enough for you to understand? Good luck to you. I hope you learned something positive from this. I would bet you haven't.

'I hope you learned something positive from this.'

Actually, I did. I learned that I can just keep ranting on this site, which is its intended purpose, and no matter how vexed some people get at me for doing so, they'll just keep reading it. It's like having a captive audience, a bunch of ya-hoos so wound up by the fact that someone has the temerity to disagree with them that they just have to keep screaming about it. But, more importantly, keep coming back for more.

At this rate I may have to put up an ad banner on the site, since people like William Stanley, ostensibly from Dayton Ohio, feels the need to regularly visit the Banality. And this is with me hardly updating it of late. Of course, he's not really reading what I put down in response to his inane string of words masquerading as English. He seems to think I am still looking for a job - when I specifically stated I have one.

Even if the start date is still on hold.

So I thank you, William Stanley. Once again you have given me a benchmark by which I can measure myself. It's nice to know that I can at least read a paragraph and actually comprehend what was said in it, as opposed to just spiraling off into some bile-filled torrent at the mere mention of my name. On the plus side, at least you didn't call me 'Chris' again. My friend Chris found that quite amusing. But anyway.

May you continue to 'life free', William Stanley. And keep reading! It's fulfilling to know I have your rapt attention.

July 5th 2010

Hate Mail!

When I first put together this web site, way back in 2008 or whatever, I set up an e mail address in the event that anyone had anything to say to me about anything. I have, until three days ago, received a grand total of two e mails on this address, one of which was from some Brazilian fellow wanting me to sell the domain to him, because his friends kept going to my site instead of his, which was this or something.

That is, until July 3rd.

Apparently I have attracted the attention of a Master Communicator. I present to you, in total, a missive from William Stanley, who you can talk to at this address. His literary masterpiece is as follows (not altered in the slightest):

You really need psychological help. Your rantings which you think are genius are really insane. You talk as if you know and understand something yet they are weak assumptions with misinfo you have obtained. I look forward to meeting someday. I guess when you are unemployed you have nothing better to do. you know chris...or whatever your name is you unemployed loser. I would rather be underestimated than overestimated. chris or whatever your name is.I wonder if you even know anymore. Things in life come around quickly now days.I would love to meet and chat sometime or maybe a good debate. nah...that's probably not your style.

Ah, where to start. To begin with, I never take a critique serious when someone can't be bothered to actually convey a simple idea. I'm reading a series of unconnected sentences here, seemingly intent on berating me but unable to actually focus on one thing in particular. It's like the ravings of a drunken hobo, one who so desperately wants to be listened to yet can't actually articulate what he wants to say.

Secondly, it's clear that this functional retard didn't bother to actually think about raving at me for more than six seconds before doing so. William Stanley repeatedly identifies me as 'chris' (note the lower case 'C') while if he'd have followed one of but three links on the top (and bottom) of this site, he could've easily learned what my name actually is. And of course seen a lovable image of myself.

I would say I, too, look forward to meeting you someday, William Stanley, but I know that will never happen. While I do not hide behind the seeming anonymity of the Internets, you seem to be trying to. Even though your Yahoo! profile would indicate that you are also living in Dayton, Ohio, and that you are either lying about your twenty one years of age, or have had a Yahoo! e mail account since you were nine years old.

Clowns like you are all bluster over the Internets, but you tend to clam up when called upon it. Even in your own misbegotten ravings, you back down from the idea after you yourself bring it up. But that's okay, William Stanley of Dayton, Ohio, age indeterminate, I understand your fear. Actually having someone call you on your own boobery is scary for a lot of Internets trolls.

The only question I have is why you felt the need to gibber at me in the first place. While I do have a posh position as an Examiner for the Dayton area, I don't actually link to this site from that one. The only person from Dayton who knows about it and has bad blood towards me is the mentally deranged owner of a nearby comic book shop that took exception to my negative review of his store's shitty service.

I wonder if 'William Stanley' is a mere sock puppet for said store owner. Or perhaps he's one of the anti-intellectual Palinites that I deride on a regular basis. Or maybe - just maybe - he's one of the Catholic pedophiles I mock at every opportunity. Ooh - I've got it! You're the guy who stole my chair out of the dumpster, aren't you?

None of the above would surprise me, given your incoherence.

But I digress.

I thank you for a good laugh, William Stanley of Dayton, Ohio. And since you're so concerned about my job status, rest assured that I actually have one again. Since it seems to occupy most of your waking thoughts about myself, that's one less thing you need concern yourself with. I simply hadn't bothered to mention it on the Banality yet, because I've been somewhat busy of late. You know, having a life.

May you find one some day.

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