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January 10th 2012

I think I'm losing it.

In the past, when I've had a variety of physical problems, I apparently developed a few mental issues to go with them. Acute and persistent blood poisoning dulling the mind, and all that. I would get all sluggish and 'thick', for the lack of a better term, and was generally oblivious to everything around me. In the last couple of incidences of this it was so bad that people actually even noticed.

But this time it's a bit different. I've been noticing things here and there lately which have started to concern me. For one thing, sometimes when people are talking to me I can't actually register what they're saying. I used to chalk this up to me maybe having some sort of hearing problem, despite me always scoring off the charts on those tests they gave you in school - I am getting older, after all.

But what I've been finding lately is that, at random, it's like when someone is saying something to me I just can't make out the words right each time. Which causes them to repeat themselves. And then they talk to me as if I'm stupid or something... which maybe I am now. I don't know. If this was the only thing going on I wouldn't worry too much, but then there are the memory issues.

I first noticed them acutely when me and the sexy other and a friend of hers were out at a Smashburger ™ many months back, and we were talking and stuff, and 'snapped back' to awareness once or twice, as if I'd dozed off for a few seconds. I mean I was awake the whole time, but I experienced one or two momentary blank spots where I couldn't remember, say, what had just been said. And I think it showed.

But ever since then, I've noticed this a bit more. Sometimes I'll misplace a few seconds here or there, other times I can't remember what I'd done over the last couple of hours. It just doesn't register, and I wind up with a big blank spot where... whatever I was doing should be. This on top of being a lot more forgetful lately. Hell, last night I apparently forgot something real important - and got grief for it.

Probably with good reason, but nonetheless. The odd thing is that I've been trying real hard to take better care of myself. I've been eating very well - no junk food, no soda, nothing at all processed, even. I might just be suffering from acute withdrawal from all the chemicals I'd grown up eating and drinking, I dunno. But this problem has been going on well before we started the whole, uh, Whole 30 thing.

So perhaps my brain is full of swiss cheese. Which blows, because I didn't ruin it with the good drugs, or even the crappy ones like meth or bath salts or 'poppers'. Who knows, maybe all of my previous problems caused actual damage - or I'm just getting early Alzheimer's. Which is hilarious, since I'm only thirty eight. Hm. Maybe I should just run with it, or something. So yeah.

Keep an eye out for me roaming around Dayton with my underwear outside my pants, I guess.

June 10th 2011

To the state of Tennessee, and all of its mentally challenged citizens (every one of them, apparently):

Your state is an uninhabitable shit hole. I hope you enjoy your elected representatives doing their level best to wipe their asses with the Constitution of the United States, and perhaps that you should die in a fire. Slowly, over the period of several hours. That would be the least you clearly retarded cunt holes deserve, after putting them in a position to pass this tripe into law:

Have you fuckwits even read the Constitution? You know, the thing you inbred fucktards actually wave in everyone's face while trying to take away the rights of your fellow citizens? You fucking morons are so pathetic that you really should just secede, as you keep threatening. Let the rest of the country keep all the federal money that has been propping you hopeless monkeys up the last couple decades - and then rot in Hell.

Aw, did I hurt your feelings? Cause you 'emotional distress'? Good. Perhaps you should try to charge me under your pathetic new law. Watch as I gain any number of pro bono lawyers to sue your state for attempting to violate my Constitutionally granted freedoms, and then walk away a rich man. I fucking dare you, you shit heeled dog fuckers. Show the country that you're as dumb as this law actually proposes.

Taliban-nessee, indeed.

August 20th 2010

There are many burdens I bear. Perhaps the hardest burden of all that I carry deep within my blackened, cynical heart is the fact that I'm usually right about certain things. I have a gift, a gift for seeing how the future will play out in certain matters. For example, it seems just nine days ago I was going on about companies foolishly pushing their politics on their customers, and the hijinks that invariable ensue.

Well, it looks like another prediction of mine came true. You see, some time last week the Tea Party Exchange announced its grand opening here in Dayton, Ohio - a sort of test bed for a deal where, by paying the guy running it a lot of money, you get the privilege of donating five percent of a sale that someone uses their 'Tea Party Exchange' card on to the local Tea Party. And maybe a nice wall plaque or something?

This link to their site should tell you how it worked out for them.

But wait, I have another link for you. You really need to read this before proceeding.

Douche Baggery.

See, this is what happens when you trust anyone who works in 'human resources'. Not only did he take a $150 dollar fee to enroll each business in his right-winger scheme, but Donald Hutchinson outsourced the creation of his Tea Party web site to India. This cock hole hates America so much that he couldn't even be bothered to spend donations to his 'movement' right here in Fucking America.

But wait, it gets better. It seems that some of the businesses he roped into his bullshit scheme don't even know what the Tea Party is. I refer, of course, to Patti Ballachino's comments in the link at TPM, where she says she signed up with the plan because even though she didn't know what the Tea Party was, she thought it would make her money. So really, you can't blame this Hutchinson clown - he's just taking a page from P.T. Barnum.

After all, if you're so fucking stupid that you're willing to put your business on the line for a political party that you don't even know about, Patti Ballachino, maybe you don't deserve to stay in business. I know I won't be sending any business Patti's way, because I'm afraid that if I take any of my fine clothing to Reiber Cleaners, which she owns, her fucking stupid might rub off on it.

I laugh and I laugh, because I totally saw this coming. I am a prognosticator, I tell you. There's a reason that people like Stop Beck do the things they do - they're tired of all this extremism nonsense. I've said it time and time again, this country likes to sit in the middle ground. When you push hard one direction, the American people will push back - it's the nature of our freedom-loving mob.

So when a bunch of idiotic Dayton businesses decide to push their extremist Tea Party bullshit on their customers, I (successfully) predicted what was going to happen to them (you can see the responses people had to some of these businesses in that article, there). But in case you're not done torturing these assholes for trying to push their politics on you, here's the list of businesses who decided to participate in this mess.

For all the fucking good it did them.

We know at the very least we'll never do business with McAfee Heating and Air Conditioning, at the very least. He seems happy to publicly speak at rallies for a party that claims to merely advocate financial conservatism, but has instead shown time and time again just how backwards and bigoted they really are. You may call it 'trampling on your freedoms', but we call it 'voting with our dollar', douche bags.

No matter what you claim, that's what America is all about.

August 11th 2010

Gallery: Death of the Anti-Terror Gas Station

Remember this?

Way back in 2008, you may recall (well, probably not, but still) I had featured this photo (on the right) of the Anti-Terror Gas Station. I took this picture at random while I was getting a drink, because it amused me. This place featured all over the Internets a while back, being yet another silly thing Omaha had to offer the world, and I snapped up a picture for my own use and promptly forgot about the place.

I nonetheless respected them at the time for putting their money where their mouth was, and taking a stand with their livelihood. I respected them a bit less (well, a whole lot less) when they started blatantly shilling for McCain and Palin on their Osama truck. They put a huge VOTE FOR THESE INCOMPETENT CLOWNS banner over it, which a) watered down their message, and b) pissed me off, so I stopped buying from them altogether.

Well, on my most recent trip back to Omaha, I noticed the place had fallen upon hard times. It'd closed down, in fact. Gone was the truck with the Osama bin Ladin thingie on it, as well as the web site it indicated we should visit. I guess there's a moral to the story there. It's one thing to say Osama bin Ladin is an asshole (which I agree with wholeheartedly), but another to shove your politics down your customers' throats.

Let that be a lesson to you, Target and Best Buy.

It's hard to say for certain that the place went under solely because of their pro-Republican stance. But then, Omaha gave its electoral vote to a Democratic candidate for President this time 'round, for the first time ever. EVER. So mebbe there's something to that. But I digress. While I was in Omaha, I decided to take some time out and snap up a bunch of photograps detailing the ignoble end to this place. So here they are!

 

 

 

 

We hope you have enjoyed this strange view of an even stranger business - even if one or two of the interior shots came out blurry!

Previous gallery segments:

Gallery: Fail Mobiles! - August 06, 2010.

August 6th 2010

Gallery: Fail Mobiles!

Fail Grafiti!

For those of you wondering just what that fail photo is all about, it was a bit of grafitti that me and the Sexy Other tripped over while we were in downtown Dayton, Ohio a bit back. We'd gone to the farmer's market to pick up a lot of fresh grown foods, and other assorted awesome local products - since we refuse to buy anything from the big box stores if we can help it. But it's appropriate to today's subject.

For a while now, I've been collecting a huge arsenal of photos related to vehicles that amuse me. Or irritate me. Or are just plain weird. And the Sexy Other has wanted me to share some of these with all y'all - and thanks to the last month, I know I have a dedicated following, so I figured why not? The first subject of the Failmobile gallery is a truck with a bad case of truck balls. Or it was.

This is a strange case of me actually seeing the same vehicle twice over time. The first time I took its picture, I saw the balls and simply had to record it. I mean, they hang about like mine do, so the amusement, it had me. What was weird was that we saw the same truck several months later (note the plates) and someone had neutered the poor thing! Check it out - either the driver or someone else took its balls. Nooo!

That poor truck. We spotted another truck a bit back that wasn't quite so netuered, though his ball sack was a bit different. It looked kinda like a boxing glove more than a bag of nuts, and hadn't been snipped yet. I think the best part though was the sign hanging up in the air in the distance, for TOOL RENTAL. It just seemed fitting, considering what we were looking at here.

Fuckin' truck balls.

Moving on, I've got another one I had to share with you. Me'n the S.O. had gone to the movie theater to see... well, I forget at this point, but that's not what's important. On our way into the place (or out, it was a while ago) we saw this beast of modern mobility. The owner of this truck had so much fail plastered onto the thing that we just had to snap a few pictures of it up.

Obviously there's the massive FORGIVEN by the blahblahblah sticker taking up his entire rear window, which you can't help but see from 300 yards (we know - we saw him in traffic later), and the MVNU sticker - some sort of Christian Liberal Arts school (oxymoron?). But then there's the fail number on the side (he apparently still misses EARNHARDT) and on the front - the demonic skull. Handi-failable!

Another fun truck we saw a bit back was encountered on the way to Ikea, in the midst of Cincinnati suburb traffic. We were waiting to turn towards the Ikea and we saw this thingerbob sitting on the bumper of a Dodge. I had the camera handy so I snapped it up, only now noticing the little bullseye on the stomach of the deer there. The best part was its legs twitched at random. That was fun to watch.

Once we'd arrived at the Ikea proper, however, I saw this bumper sticker, and had to leap into action with that there camera. I had it to take a picture of the Buttery Jesus (which has since burned to the ground) and thought this was a necessary thing to document, despite the battery being almost dead. I mean, just look at this. I can only hope that vapid cunt runs for President. Oh, the hilarity that will ensue.

Yes, I called her a cunt. Deal with it.

Speaking of obnoxious bumper stickers, here's one the two of us spotted on our way back from Ikea a different time. I think it was Ikea, at least. Anyways, we were driving home and saw this on the highway towards Miamisburg, and the rage had us both. It's not just that we had to see the obnoxious jesus toastie sticker, it was that we had to see the sticker in the wrong fucking place. YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

And so is the guy in the van in Columbus, there. Not only did he do the same thing, but he did it about three hundred times. I mean, look at all that shit! A lot of it is similar jesus toastery, but some of it is other hippie stuff. The best part was that when I went to take a picture of the van, the douche bag driving it gave me a crusty ass look. News flash: if you sticker up your car, don't be surprised when it gets attention.

Schmuck. He also took five fucking minutes to get out of the can at the gas station there. Bleah.

Similarly, how the fuck does someone even see out their rear view window with this much cockmongery plastered on it? I assume the guy with the FORGIVEN sticker has one that's sort of see-through, but these are clearly not, here. All this anti-abortion and all this jingoistic crap has to be hard to see through. But then, when you are on the phone and texting the whole time you're in your SUV, I guess it don't matter.

I'll stop with the bumper stickers now though, 'cause instead I'd like to share some fucking horrible 'car art' with you. The first here is of course a falsehood. You see, despite the driver's assertion to the contrary, 'real' vampires do not sparkle. If you put a real vampire in the sun, it will combust and die horribly. If you are exposed to sunlight and sparkle, you are a fucking fairy, whether or not you drink blood.

Goddamn cockholes. FAIRY not VAMPIRE, get it straight. And for the stupid shitbags driving around with their 'Team Edward' stickers on their fucking cars, I salute you. At least we know who shouldn't be allowed to breed, since you're broadcasting the fact that you're a (barely) functional moron for the world to see. I appreciate you clearing that up for the rest of us - stickers like these and the Palin ones totally help out there.

Did you know? A lot of people have been snookered into this whole 'Twilight' thing. Blood-drinking fairies seems to be the thing these days. I'm all about the zombie pirates and robot ninjas myself, but I guess some people prefer the man-eating fairies instead. This one person here seems to get it, I mean they've got a Twilight sticker and a Tinker Bell sticker, so it's not just me. Mumble grumble.

To end this massive gallery of automotive fail (and it is pretty big, compared to my usual visual offerings), I've got a couple pictures of fucking idiots who just don't know how to fucking park. The first is a granny who had to take up four (count 'em) parking spaces at the Cub Oods (the 'F' never works on their sign), and even forgot to turn off her lights. I wonder how some people function these days.

Like this soccer mom at the Chick-Fil-A. We exposed my parents to the Chick-Fil-A when they visited here just yesterday, and they seemed to like it. But earlier in the year, I took a picture of this fail mom who can't park to save her life. I have a hint for you, people: if an SUV is too much for you to handle, maybe you should settle for a Yugo instead. You'll save yourself - and everyone else - a goddamn headache.

We hope you have enjoyed this journey through space, time, two cameras and a lot of really shitty vehicles. Y'all come back now, y'hear?

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